The last few days have been a time of a lot of reflection for me. My daughters birthday was on the fifteenth, and the anniversary of her death is on the eighteenth. She would have been 13 years old. It is a milestone birthday and one that has struck me a few times what could have been. Although I know she is in a better place and happier and that in the end things did really work out for the best. She would have suffered terribly had she lived with the health problems she would have had physically and mentally.
The outpouring of love and friendship from family and friends as always has amazed me. You really know the friends and family who truly care, when they hug you and say I was thinking of you, praying for you...the text messages I received, phone calls, emails, facebook posts...it was beautiful and all I could think is how it made me proud to be Kayla's mom. This was for her. I want her to always be remembered.
What was disappointing was the ones who were silent, whether they chose not to say anything, or just didn't know, it really makes you stop and wonder...are people so involved in their own lives that they don't think a kind word could have made all the difference? As I get older and start seeing through things clearer than I did before, you start to realize who to give your all too, and who to hold back. I used to have this tendency in my life to people please, to give my all to everyone to the point of exhaustion. I was always a giver. Over time I realized this is not healthy or even cool. At some point although it is great to be there for others, you can't at the cost of your own soul. You have to learn to keep those who are there for you closer, and be there for them, and as for the ones who are just what I called acquaintances, well in the end that is what they are. Just because you see someone daily, or spend a lot of time with them does not necessarily mean they are your friend. Friend is a word that is tossed around quite abusively. I believe friend is the person who is there for you through thick and then, who has seen you through your worst and just listens. someone who will help you through good and bad times. The person that you know without a doubt when something good or bad happens they are the first person you want to tell.
I am lucky to say I have quite a few great friends, more than most. I tend to build more meaningful relationships with those I consider true friends. There is an old saying if you have one good friend you have more than most.
To my true friends out there (you know who you are), I thank you for always being there for me and also when I least expect it. I love you for that. I will always have your back too!
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