Older and wiser...and a lil in between...

The last few days have been a time of a lot of reflection for me.  My daughters birthday was on the fifteenth, and the anniversary of her death is on the eighteenth.  She would have been 13 years old.  It is a milestone birthday and one that has struck me a few times what could have been.  Although I know she is in a better place and happier and that in the end things did really work out for the best.  She would have suffered terribly had she lived with the health problems she would have had physically and mentally.

The outpouring of love and friendship from family and friends as always has amazed me.  You really know the friends and family who truly care, when they hug you and say I was thinking of you, praying for you...the text messages I received, phone calls, emails, facebook posts...it was beautiful and all I could think is how it made me proud to be Kayla's mom.  This was for her.  I want her to always be remembered.

What was disappointing was the ones who were silent, whether they chose not to say anything, or just didn't know, it really makes you stop and wonder...are people so involved in their own lives that they don't think a kind word could have made all the difference?  As I get older and start seeing through things clearer than I did before, you start to realize who to give your all too, and who to hold back.  I used to have this tendency in my life to people please, to give my all to everyone to the point of exhaustion.  I was always a giver.  Over time I realized this is not healthy or even cool.  At some point although it is great to be there for others, you can't at the cost of your own soul.  You have to learn to keep those who are there for you closer, and be there for them, and as for the ones who are just what I called acquaintances, well in the end that is what they are.  Just because you see someone daily, or spend a lot of time with them does not necessarily mean they are your friend.  Friend is a word that is tossed around quite abusively.  I believe friend is the person who is there for you through thick and then, who has seen you through your worst and just listens.  someone who will help you through good and bad times.  The person that you know without a doubt when something good or bad happens they are the first person you want to tell.  

I am lucky to say I have quite a few great friends, more than most.  I tend to build more meaningful relationships with those I consider true friends.  There is an old saying if you have one good friend you have more than most.

To my true friends out there (you know who you are), I thank you for always being there for me and also when I least expect it.  I love you for that.  I will always have your back too!

Inspiring moment!

Here it is February, and I realized I had not blogged since before Christmas because I have been so busy!  A dear friend of mine named Amy (who reads this) reminded me about my blog and it just inspired me more to share some of my strange but inspiring thought patterns today.  So where do I begin is the question...I literally could write a book..but alas I would need help on that! Let me add my thought patterns go all over the place trust me, even I have a hard time keeping up!

Well I started early January in my Anatomy and Physiology class which is very interesting but tough.  What inspires me in this class is our remarkable bodies and the physiology of it all.  Our bodies are made to heal themselves, quite literally!  Disease is just toxicity or in deficiency of something occurring in the body.  We actually have cells that their entire job is to just destroy toxins, and eat them and remove them from our bodies.  My first thought is hmmm, could this be the key to research with cancer eradication?   Each week we have a new chapter, the first two weeks was just on organelles and cells and ATP which is energy that our body produces.  Then we went into tissues and no I do not mean the puffs kind!  Tissues at first were BORING, but you have to admit you can't say that once you see the various tissues under a microscope they are like a universe in itself.  We went onto the skin and then onto the skeletal system this week.  Each week I learn new tidbits that just wow me.  One was my lab teacher mentioned that polar bears do not drink water, because they have enough adipose tissue (fat) that basically their body gets what it needs from itself.  Evolution at work!  

I know I probably sound like a nerd by now, but as I get older these things fascinate me and I wonder why when I was younger did I not enjoy the moment and the learning in the same way like I do now. There was a time that I did, but I became a teenager and it went out the window!  The saying if only we knew then what we know now holds so true.  We grow, we evolve physically, spiritually, emotionally and it is amazing what lessons are out there to be learned.  How much free education we have in our own country available at our fingertips!  You only have to go do the local library, pull any book off the shelf and learn new things each day.  I started to think about those less fortunate in other countries who would give anything to have what we have in our own country.  How blessed we truly are!  

As I have stated in earlier blogs I have lost so much in my life, but I also have gained so much.  Life is meant to be precious to gobble it up and just breathe in what is before us. I can remember a time or two when things got so dark for me during divorce, loss of a child..other things.  During those difficult times I forgot the beauty of it all because you focus on your own internal pain.  Healing takes time but when you do get to that place that you see so much around you ready to be plucked!  Then and only then can you truly learn what it is like to be happy.  Its about the moment now for me.  The tidbit I learn in class, the smile on a child's face when they discover something.  The personalities of my three fur kids.  (2 cats and 1 dog people!)  True happiness is inside it cannot be bought, sold or dependant on another.

Piece of advice though, sometimes enjoying the moment can make you become overwhelmed because you want to do it all.  You have to realize after much stress you can't.  Its impossible.  You are not super woman or man but a human being with a lot of faults and a lot to learn.  Baby steps, a day at a time (the name of this blog!) is what it takes.  

So my inspiring moments was realizing once again how lucky we have it, and to realize the potential of not only our physical bodies and the ability to heal, but our emotional selves and how far we can go.